All too well.
Navigating trauma is a delicate, wild thing. I’m sitting here, days after I’ve signed an offer with another large tech company and I still don’t know what I am truly feeling. I’m feeling everything, all at once and at times, I find it nearly impossible to decifier and define each emotion. All I know is that I am deep in the post-trauma aftermath, swimming in the unknown and trying to give myself grace.
On March 15, 2023, I was part of the mass layoffs at Meta. 85% of our entire org…gone. It was brutal how poorly the layoff was conducted and I was left in the wake of it all, so incredibly unsure of what to do next. And above all, completely triggered.
I’ve spent years doing EMDR trauma therapy, removing reactions to previous events, refiling traumatic experiences and walking head first into the fire of PTSD. I’ve learned how to manage my reactions, self-soothe and redirect my emotions when I feel anxiety creeping in or I am triggered by memories or words. I’ve put in the hard work and have made incredible progress towards healing. But no matter the work or progress, there are times in which the universe throws a massive curve ball in your path and your triggers lit up like a god damn Christmas tree.
Being laid off was new trauma for me, I’ve never been laid off before. Hell, I never have been fired for that matter. The reality of being laid off came crashing down onto me instantly. I just crumbled into a sobbing, blubbering mess and squeezed my eyes shut - willing myself to wake the fuck up from this nightmare. But as the days went on after that Wednesday, the reality slowly started to sink in…my dream job was gone. My work family had been broken up. My career progression came to a screeching hault. I was not ready to leave, I had so much more to learn and to give. But it was over. Done. Never my decision to make. End of story, move on.
This was all uncharted territory for me. Of course I’ve battled the job hunt in the past, but never like this. I was released into the market, along with thousands of other recruiters and operations professionals. A market that can only be described as the biggest dumpster fire you can imagine. And navigating it all over the last year triggered me in every way imaginable. I have no ability to compartmentalize so of course, I felt everything as it hit me. But I had to keep moving forward. I had to keep fighting. I had no choice but to keep pushing on. To say that this last year has been one of the hardest years of my life feels like the understatement of the century. But I couldn’t give up, even if I was triggered in every which way imaginable.
No choices. Having my choices ripped away and forced upon me with no say was one of the biggest trauma reactions that resurfaced for me. Growing up, I was never given a choice in any part of my life. I was always told what to do, forced to listen and never had an ounce of autonomy in my life. This continued from my childhood well into my adult years. Nearly every choice was made for me until I learned what autonomy and choice really meant for myself and my life. I had no choice in being laid off, it was never mine or my managers to decide. As soon as that job was ripped from me, the ‘no choices’ trigger fired up.
Not worthy. I have fought every step of my life to make people believe I was worth it. It’s one thing to never feel your self worth in relationships but to feel that with your career…well, that’s a whole other level of bull shit. While my career doesn’t define me, it certainly is a massive part of me. I take extreme pride in what I do and work my ass off to prove my worth to my team and to myself. With one swift cut of the axe, I was instantly transported back to being unworthy. My confidence diminished instantly, turning into a meek and broken empty shell of myself. I felt empty, not complete, this entire year. As if I had no purpose in my life anymore. My career was gone, what else can I provide for my family, society and myself. The hollowness I felt was palpable. And all because of a lost job. Another trigger, fired.
Not good enough. Not being good enough has always been the crux of my trauma issues and over the last year, it’s all come screaming back to me. Why did this happen to me? Am I not good enough? In the months following the layoff, the primary narrative that played on repeat in my head was, “what did I do wrong? Am I not good enough? What could I have done differently?” It’s near impossible to shift that narrative when you’re being triggered every time you wake up to more rejection emails. But after months of Brett repeating to me, “this isn’t something that you did, this is something that happened to you", I eventually began to believe it. But damn if it didn’t sting everytime I thought of my coworkers still in the office, or even when Meta started hiring back short term employees on the recruiting teams…and never reaching out to me. It sucks feeling like you’re not good enough. And as much as I can repeat my mantras or tell myself it was never me, it doesn’t truly lessen the blow of it all. More trauma resurfaced, more triggers fired.
Pick me. As far as I can remember, I have been desperate to be chosen. I wanted my mom to pick me over my step-dad, pick me and keep me safe. I’ve always schemed and changed who I truly was to make friends, to make friendship with me seem effortless. I wanted a man to choose me to love, to make me their number one. I am a pathelogical people pleaser, I fully admit. But it’s always been so that I would be chosen. Through therapy I’ve learned the root cause of this trauma response and have since moved forward in a healthier way. (And of course, I am my husband’s choice. He chose me for who I am, not for who I was for him). And after all this progress, it all came swiftly back to me…Meta didn’t pick me. I applied to hundreds of jobs and most rejected me or flat out ghosted me. Hell, I was even ghosted at the offer stage with not one, but two companies. Once again, no one would choose me. And it’s damn exhausting to pick yourself up time and time again after rejections. Yet again, more triggers.
That feeling of not being good enough, of the emptiness one feels, the loss of relationships and a beloved career, the trauma of it all, I know it now. I know it all too well. You can’t forget it, you can’t un-feel it. And the littlest thing can set you back on your heals at any given time too. Now that this miserable season of my life has come to a close, I’m feeling every emotion I’ve experienced over the year more clearly. So I keep moving forward, like I did throughout this year. Little by little the triggers dissipate, my anxiety dwindles, my confidence grows and I work on healing and accepting it all.
I thank the gods for the support I had during this impossible season. My husband, bless him, was my absolute anchor throughout this storm. He is a constant reminder of my strength and perserverance and the best gods damned cheerleader out there. My friends who helped scraped me off the floor when I crumbled to a lifeless frame…you know who you are. I don’t know what I did to deserve friends like you, but damn will I do anything for you to show you how much you mean to me. My dogs for keeping me accountable for getting outside, for mountain biking so that I can have moments of forgetting my reality, for every rom-com smut I read that allowed me a happily ever after escape, for antidepressants that helped me get out of bed everyday, and for the Mother herself, Taylor Swift, for holding me together with your songs when everything else felt futile.
I might be okay now but I’m not fine at all. Not yet at least. I know the trauma still lingers, the PTSD hits me hard when I hear of another tech layoff or as I sit here waiting on onboarding delays with my new position. The anger I have for those who cruelly volunteered us for tribute remains and frankly, may never go away entirely. The jealousy of those who are still with the company is slowly fading but remains nonetheless. And honestly, I don’t know what the hell I’ve learned over this last year. It makes me insane when I see LinkedIn posts about “I’ve learned so much, have grown so much over these few months after my layoff.” I call bullshit. Because losing your job is a massive traumatic event and when you’re tits deep in it all, all you can focus on is surviving. Once all the dust settles, I know that I will come out stronger and have learned lessons under me. But that’s all in hindsight, right? I’m not there yet, but I will be.
While I am battered and bruised and will never be the same as I was before, I survived and now I am moving forward to the next chapter. They say that all’s well that ends well, but I know that this will take time. So for now, I will take up all the space I need to process everything, I will give myself the grace I need to soldier on and I will accept that this all happened for a reason. I will allow this trauma to shape me into a new version of me, I will eventually discover the lessons to be learned and grow. I will come out of this stronger, but for now, I remember it all too well.