It’s worth all the blood, sweat, bruising and tears.

Recently, one of my friends asked me “What do you want to learn at your clinic? What’s your goal with want to ‘get better' at mountain biking?” And I’ll be honest, I had no answer for her in that moment. But it got me thinking about the why’s. Why do I mountain bike, why do I like mountain biking (wait, do I like it?!), why do I push myself…Needless to say, since that conversation, I have been reflecting on it all. Because as much as this journey has been incredibly fun, it’s been (and remains) far from easy for me.

It was late summer 2021 and Brett and I had just came home from another backpacking trip in the North Cascades in Washington. The trailhead was packed with cars like sardines and there were countless groups of backpackers/hikers out there. Luckily, I’m married to a man who refuses to stay on the road most traveled and we were able to escape all the humans and find our own secret mountain getaway. But it got us talking. Because of covid, hiking and backpacking populations grew to an almost unhealthy level…leaving it near impossible to be solo in the mountains. The crowds and Instagram’s geotagging really started to ruin these secret places and made us not want to backpack any more. “You know, if we rode mountain bikes, we could avoid those crowds…", Brett said when we got home from Washington. And that little statement spurred a two-week long intense conversation about mountain biking.

Now, I need to be clear, I knew Brett was a pro downhiller and I wanted nothing to do with that…ever. Bikes were life for him (spoiler alert, they still are life for him), an extension of who he is. By the time we met, he had hung up his helmet so to speak and was content on not riding anymore. He was burnt out and no longer wanted to ride the same trails over and over to no avail. And when we first started dating, that was perfectly fine by me! I swore up and down I would NEVER ride a mountain bike. Hell, I had only ridden a bike maybe 15-20 times in my entire life! (Seriously, I barely could ride a bike). So when we started talking about him getting back into mountain biking and me getting into it…my expectations, once I was convinced I would love it, were very low. We talked at length for those two weeks about every aspect of this sport - from parts to culture to expections and training. He was certain I would enjoy mountain biking as I had no PTSD surrounding it like I do with rock climbing and there’s a good connection to skiing, too. He warned me that if he gets back into biking, that’s pretty much game, set, match for him. It would be bikes or bust. And after those in-depth conversations, we pulled the trigger. It was late August and I received my first ever mountain bike.

Since then, I have worked my ass off to get better on the bike. And let me tell you, learning to mountain bike at the age of 42 is far from easy! In the beginning, it was all about learning to ride a bike. It’s not second nature to me. I racked up so many miles just riding at the school in our area, just to figure out how to ride a bike. Since then, I have ridden in Oregon, California, Washington, Utah and Canada. Over the last year, I have taken three different clinics, practiced over and over again in my neighborhood. I have struggled with health issues through it all, walked my bike up hill more times than I can count, wrecked hundreds of times, cursed my husband for dragging me up death marches and have given more blood sacrifices to the trails than I probably should have. I have pushed myself on more technical trails when I feel confident and stuck to the baby greens when my mental blocks eat at me. I work hard on learning my bike, learning to trust my bike and focus on bike/body seperation. I have cried so many tears of frustration, anger, fear and of joy. I get giddy when I’m finally able to ride sections where I used to walk the and sob when my health issues hold me back. It’s a real mixed bag of emotions, I’ll tell you! This sport is hard, y’all. It’s brutal, unrelenting, dangerous, hot and sweating, heart-pounding and down right terrifying. But this sport truly has taken ahold of my life and sunk it’s brutal teeth into me. I love it and I hate it all at once.

There are times when I am suffering on the trail so much that I just want to quit. I hate it, I’m miserable, I’m not having fun…why the fuck am I out here?! I tell myself I don’t belong on these trails, I shouldn’t be riding. I apologize for being slow or holding people up, which makes me instantly feel not good enough. However, when I’m asked to go again the next day or weekend, I say yes and I get back on my bike. But I’ve not really understood why though. For a while, I thought it was so that I can spend more time with my husband and learn about his love for bikes. After that conversation with my friend, I really have been thinking about that why.

And it hit me finally.

It’s my therapy. I love a good challenge. I love learning something new, too. I love being coached and seeing instant results. I craved to be pushed - mentally and physically - to see what I can do. It’s not the “adrenaline” that I seek, but it’s the excitment I get when things start coming together. I live for those moments when I finally get it”. When I’ve been working on my skills, technique or sessioning features and I finally clean it…that’s when I feel most powerful. That’s when my confidence floods in and wraps over me like a protective layer. Those powerful moments propell me forward to the next session. And hell, let’s be honest…riding my bike makes me feel like a little kid! It’s so damn fun. I feel free, no one to hold me back but myself. Mountain biking is the next best thing to riding and training horses. And since I don’t have my horses right now, mountain biking has taken over in that role. It’s the connection between me and the bike (or the horse) and how it all relates to real life.

I still struggle nearly every ride. Every climb I do is a true Type II Fun adventure and I’m constantly talking to myself to remember what to do and giving myself pep talks. Mountain biking is not second nature to me like it is to Brett, but the connection is growing. My legs are constantly torn up like a 12-year old boy. It’s a constant battle of my mind and physical strength. And yes, sometimes my mind wins and I crumble out there, breaking down and letting self-doubt flood over me. But I keep going. I keep learning. (And thank god for my incredibly patient husband for always waiting for me). Mountain biking feels like a contination of therapy and my own personal growth. I love therapy, as hard as it is. But I go to therapy because I want to continue to heal, process and as woo woo as this sounds, I want to become my highest self. I never want to stop progressing in my personal life and mountain biking has become an extenstion of this. It’s the ultimate truth teller. Working with horses was the only other theraputic connection I’ve had to my personal growth. Just like with horses, if I am feeling anxious or insecure, that shit comes out on my bike and I know I need to work through some things. And when I feel confident, everything clicks and I feel light and powerful, standing up a little bit taller than before and owning my craft.

So what am I wanting to learn from my next clinic? The answer is simple. I want to learn more about who I am. I want to explore more about what makes me me and grow into a stronger woman, wife, mother, friend and badass mountain biker (and a better skier!) I want to be challenged, to learn everything I can. Because working through all my shit and learning who I am will ultimately make me a better mountain biker. And vice versa, learning more skills on my bike will only give me more confidence and power to continue my personal journey.

I have a lot of work to do still, so much more to learn. I know every ride won’t be sunshine, rainbows and sendy pants. This is about growth and progression, not being “good enough”. And for the first time in a very, very long time…I fully accept this. It’s all about growth, connection and learning. In hindsight, this love for mountain biking should have been so clear to me. Afterall, I did name my bike Pony.

I’m so glad Brett talked me into this sport. All the blood, sweat, bruising and tears is worth it when it all comes together and you feel like you’re a god damned pro flying down the mountain and jumping roots. Gah, I love mountain biking!