It’s not always, it’s just right now.
**warning, long post (so, get over it)
Welp. Everything has changed. Life as we all know it, is vastly different. And we are all feeling the effects. We are in this together. Someone wrote recently, "it's not always, it's just right now." While that is true, I'm having a real fuckin' hard time truly believing that statement.
We have no answers yet. We are swimming deep in reckless emotions that constantly change every hour. Not one bit of information we receive has continuity in it, every report shares different "facts". We don't know what to think, how to act, how to properly prepare, how feel. We are living in fear. We only have uncertainty, only the unknown. We only have each other.
They say self care, self reflection is everything. And yet, there are those of us who seek self awareness and healing and comfort in the mountains. That is our sanctuary, our church, our home. We don't have the luxury of feeding that need with a simple walk in our city neighborhoods or home workouts or push-up challenges. We have no refuge during this time. Sadly, I'm bitter toward those who feel great after a quick walk around the block or a home yoga session. Those things are needed and wonderful, but for me, for us, for our community… as my grampa would say "that ain't shit."
The truth is, we have no mountains to retreat to so that we can breathe, or ground ourselves, or heal, or even fail. We are stuck, isolated, alone in our crowded homes. And for a real purpose, yes of course. We must protect and isolate and give an actual fuck about our brave front line workers and the rest of humanity. However, doing the right thing is often the absolute hardest. It's truly difficult. But alas, necessary.
We mourn for the temporary loss of access to the hills and of our outdoor sports. We cry because we have no escape and we don’t know when it will return to us. We stress because we have no outlet. We watch people walking outside, enjoying their escape and we resent them…we hate that simple tasks allow for release for them. We scramble to figure out what we can do…then the parks close, the National Forests closes, the local trails…all closed. And then we start that thought process (um, read spiral) all over again.
This is not easy. This is unlike anything we have ever experienced. I'm not handling it well, this has taken me by surprise. I truly didn't think this was going to be this hard, this taxing. But here we are, dealing with a global pandemic, a global crisis…a worldwide depression. Uncharted territory we know dick all about. We just are watching the stock market crash and the economy crumble. We see our restaurants go under, hearing about our community struggling to find food and for god sakes, can't find fucking toilet paper! I'm taking call after call about everyone losing their jobs…thousands unemployed in one swift move, attempting to comfort them in this wild, strange, horrid time.
Going into all this, I truly didn't think I would be this distraught over it all, I didn't realize just how much this would effect me, our family, our friends. But here I am, crying over the phone to my therapist, my anxiety and stress so overwhelming I'm no longer sleeping and barely eating. The uncertainty and unknown has activated all of my triggers all at once. I find myself spiraling at night, thinking terrible thoughts about myself, not feeling chosen or wanted, dwelling on the abuse I endured, fearful of what's to come. I'm cringe every time there is a new breaking news story, terrified for my friends fighting in the medical field and I find myself constantly forcing to stop thinking about losing my mom, losing Brett's dad, my granny. I even freak out about dying myself or losing Brett! One day I'm fine and I'm working away, baking cookies and laughing with the family. Then the next day, I'm a fucking glass house of emotions and I can't pull my shit together because I hear an endless cycle of "it won't be till Q2 of 2021 when we will level out financially, this may go through summer, this will happen again in the fall, our hospitals are overwhelmed, your parents may die, the economy is crashing, unemployment rates are sky high and god forbid…it's a fucking election year". It's just…too much. It's hard. And guys, I'm not doing great with all this, turns out!!
I get it, boo-hooing over the fact we can't go outside may seem to be a first world problem for most. I get it, I know, it is a first world problem. But we aren't doing well! I'm not just "outdoorsy", this is my life, this is who I am. It's who Brett and I are. And having that taken away feels just like we lost a close family member. Judge me all you want, these are my feelings, my emotions, my fears. This is who I am. And yes, fuck yes I wish I could be in the backcountry right now on my skis - hell, I would give anything just to step onto a muddy trail or stand in trees, or sit on a stump in the woods. Anything. I would give anything to be in the mountains.
But then there are times when the memories hit us. We reflect on the good ol’ days deep in powder and high on cliff walls. We reminisce on the fun we had with our friends, the epic (sometimes stupid) adventures we have embarked on. We MUST remind ourselves to never take our freedom for granted. We tell ourselves to be positive, to rewrite the narrative we have playing in our heads, and above all, we remind ourselves to be grateful for what we have. Which is damn true - I am grateful for my health, our family and friend's health. I'm forever grateful for my husband, my step-hooligan, our insane dogs, for a home, for our jobs and for our love. I'm grateful for Marco Polo messages, FaceTime WineTime lady dates, happy hours on Slack with the girls, text messages and more. Funny - we are so far removed but yet, we seem to be connecting even more now.
We are doing the best we can! This is not permanent, (it can't be, right?!) We keep denying that it's temporary because we can't see the end of all this. We only see the tragedy that's occurring now, not the positives that will come from this. The unknown has us blind to the light at the end of the tunnel and it's hard to think we will come out okay. And until it's safe to go outside, we still pray for snow, (but not too much snow). We still dream of spring skiing and ski mountaineering, of muddy single-track runs. We are making plans for multipitch alpine climbs, backpacking trips and traveling the world so when it comes time to go, we are ready. And without a doubt, we still call the mountains our home. It's not always, it's just right now. (repeating to myself…)
There's this meme going around Instagram that says "maybe this is mother nature sending us to our rooms to think about what we did." I keep thinking there may be some serious truth to this! Maybe this is the real reset button we all needed, that I needed. Maybe this is the time we can clean up the planet a bit, reevaluate our careers, discover what is most important, let go of the bull shit that holds us down, truly learn to see ourselves for the awesome humans we are, see and appreciate others around us and more importantly, live in the present. The past serves us with memories, worrying about the future only halts our progress but focusing on the present allows us to live. Again, maybe, just maybe that is why we are all stuck in our homes with our dogs - so that we learn from them and their ever present ways. Dammit, I KNEW IT! This was all created by our dogs! A conspiracy to keep us home with them…damn masterminds.
But really, I'm saying all this because I need to remind myself to continue to rewrite the narrative and focus on the present And maybe we try to appreciate this time and use it for growth, for good. Easier said that done, that's for sure, but it's important that we try. And let's just hope the right now doesn't last too long.
Breathe. We got this right? We are all in this together. Stay safe, stay sane.
It's not always, it's just right now.