So this is 40…
Huh. So this is 40?
Honestly, didn't think it would look like this. Truth be told, I didn't really know what 40 would look like for me. I mean, do any of us know what 40 is supposed to look like? All I knew was that my teachers in high school were 40 and they had bunions. I don't want bunions! Is this really what 40 was going to look like Frumpy mom-shorts and bunions? Nope. No thanks, hard pass!
40 was hard to imagine. What am I supposed to look like at the age of 40?! Growing up in the 80's with a baby boomer mom and great depression era grandparents, I had their notion…marry a rich man, have babies, buy a home with a white picket fence, knit and garden and grow old. That was how I was supposed to end up…but, that was their ideal. And of course, there was the pressure of growing up Disney and glossy magazines, where the prince always swept you off your feet and carried you away into the sunset…but only if you were rail thin, took your quiz to see if you're good in bed or not, wore the best LA Gear and Jordache Jeans, (remember those gems?!), you were drop dead beautiful and could sing songs with woodland creatures.
Turns out, I'm neither Cindy Crawford, Joan Clever or Cinderella, so those expectations flew out the window faster than they came in! I don't have a supermodel body, I have three dogs, not three children. I'm divorced, I spent most of my life living paycheck to paycheck. I still don't know what I want to do with my career…if I want to remain a recruiter, go off on my own or scrap it all and start over. I'm far from what 40 is "supposed" to look like.
Between our parents, mainstream media, social pressures and everything else in between, there are many versions and opinions of what your life should look like, or rather, how you frame your life. My granny thought my frame should have a rich husband in it. My mom thought my frame should be stable and comfortable, but also be true to who I am. Glossy mags thought my frame should be flirty, skinny and put together. Instagram thinks I should be an influencer with a picture perfect life, sponsored by god knows who. My dad however, thought my frame should be whatever the fuck I want it to be. And that's exactly how it is.
My frame has been broken so many times. It's been super glued and duct taped back together, it's held together by string on one side and a ski strap on the other. It's tattered and torn and worn out in places. It's been put back together by other people, had some fresh coats of paint added and over the last year and a half, it's being completely remodeled. But it's me. This is my frame. Perfectly imperfect.
There is no right or wrong way to "do 40." Each one of us has our own frame and every single view is completely different. And guess what? That's okay! Cause we have our own paths, our own choices, our own fuck ups and successes to shape who we are as individuals. Everything that has occurred in my life has led me here. The flaws, the imperfections, the responsibility and the lack there of. The ridiculousness of my personality, the loudness of my voice. The wrinkles and scars and weathered skin. The failed relationships, the shitty jobs, losing a baby, struggling to make rent, the loss of my father and grandfather. The bliss of my now amazing marriage, the learning curves of parenting and of course, the unraveling of years and years of abuse through therapy. It's all me.
So here I am…40 and trying my best to keep my shit together and live my best life ever. I got this.
40 Fun Facts About Me
I am over the top. Brett tells me this every day.
I am bold. Brave. And I never, ever quit. I may be slow, but I won't quit.
I am a fiercely loyal friend.
Skiing is the greatest love of my life…aside from Brett of course.
I love to climb, but it still scares me every day and I'm constantly working on letting past PTSD go.
I am a country girl at heart. I feel most at home around horses and cows. I used to manage a ranch and break colts to ride. Truly, I am a cowpoke.
I blow snot rockets on the trail, like a real classy lady.
I am naked as much as possible. Pants are dumb.
I am an incredibly passionate human. I love everything. A lot.
I collect foreign editions of Harry Potter.
I used to train birds of prey - hawks, owls, eagles, falcons…it was so cool and I still have my gloves!
I still eat olives on my fingers.
When I get nervous, I cough.
My favorite foods are sushi, a loaded baked potato, steak, olives, ice cream and gummi bears.
And I really do hate watermelon.
Music is essential in my life, and I credit my mother for that.
I eat weed gummies on the reg.
I still watch animations and cartoons, and generally cry at every Pixar movie.
I hate being tickled and hate my belly button touched.
I will not tolerate racism, lack of accountability and those who insist on playing the victim.
I go to therapy every other week - she is the best.
The mountains are my second home.
I must touch the ocean every time I see it - even if it's 30 degrees out.
I still want to learn how to twerk, and randomly I work on it at really inappropriate times, mainly in front of strangers.
I am known for my random dance parties in the grocery store.
I make up songs about simple tasks I'm doing, or theme songs for the dogs.
Speaking of dogs, I love my dogs too much. And River is the best boy.
I pay my bills on time (finally got to this point of not being behind!)
I'm like a kid when it comes to Christmas, I get way too excited.
Disneyland holds a special place in my heart because of my entire family.
I carry around a token from my dad.
We just bought a house together and honestly…I never thought I would own a home!
I cry at everything - during commercials, movies, songs, when I'm angry or scared or happy.
I collect plants…like, it's a real problem (sorry, Brett).
My first car was named Grandma Tilly - thanks, Beastie Boys!
I used to hate reading. I used to pay my sister to read for me.
I used to be fluent in German…and when I drank, I would only speak German.
My grampa was more of a father to me than my step father.
I mix up my analogies like my dad used to - "sharpest tool in the strip" or "I'm space lost" (yep, said that last week).
I am excited about the next 40 years - spending them in the mountains, in the backcountry, on skis, traveling around the world, on horseback, with my dogs, my kiddo and the love of my life.