Learning to Mama Bear.

I never thought I would ever be a mother.

Truly. I didn't want kids. I was perfectly happy with having dogs and horses and maybe a couple of Scottish Highland cows and a fainting goat or two. It's not that I didn't like children, quite the opposite actually - I think kids are rad. Some are dicks, sure. But that's the parents, not the child. Kids are awesome, hilarious tiny humans who only want to learn and play and adventure - what's not to like!

No, I didn’t want kids because I did my time. I already raised many children actually. My mom and step father (and my grandparents), I played second mom to countless foster babies and kids. I helped my mom raise children that came in and out of our life for various reasons. As I was the "normal kid" (umm…far from normal), I was forced to grow up and step up to the plate. As my therapist just told me last night, I was adultized at a very young age. I was forced to be an adult who was held accountable for adult-like things…like raising kids, working, countless chores and no real childhood. So I did my parenting, I did my time.

But more importantly, I was never with a true partner that I could actually see growing old with, let alone have a child with. And to top it all off, I was fucking terrified! What if I lose the baby, what if they hate me, what if [insert a million other irrational fears regarding parenting here] happens! Yeah no, I was good without kiddos.

I knew I would have been a good mom. I'm caring and giving by nature. I literally mom everything in my life. But I washed my hands of it all and accepted that I could have been a great mom, but I would only raise the four-legged kind.

Then, I met Brett.

And with Brett…Hailey. (I met her on day two!)

Brett was the first and only man I’ve been with who had a kiddo. And Hailey, well she's one of a kind.

My entire world changed not only with Brett, but with Hailey too. I knew that this was a package deal, and when I committed myself to Brett, I did the same with Hailey.

But let me tell you…parenting is HARD! Dude, learning to be a mama bear, well let’s just say the learning curve has been steep.

She's an incredible kid. High energy, talks all the time, has a wild imagination, total people pleaser, pusher of boundaries but craves structure. She gets frustrated easily and is highly emotional. She wears her whole heart on her sleeve, is empathetic to those who surround her and still has no idea what emotions are, let alone how to control them. She is fearless and fearful, she is intelligent, she loves all things squishy and fluffy, has more stuffed animals than we can count, collects rocks and sticks, chases lizards but runs from spiders, makes everything a game, a hot-water stealer and carbs only eater. She struggles with making friends and thrives in trying to do her best. She skis her face off, loves to rock climb and adventure and is completely obsessed with aliens, monsters, weird-ass creatures and terrifying movies and books. She eats more Goldfish than she should. She is wild and unwise, she reads the room, she plays to her strengths. She is stubborn and uncompromising, she is fierce and determined and passive. Her love for animals is deep and the care she shows for others is incredible to watch. She is beautiful and kind and has Brett’s exact buns and legs. This kid, she is just so damn special.

Because of Hailey, I’m learning patience and pure kindness. She’s reminding me to continue to play and keep my imagination running wild. I am able to relate to her on the empath and emotional level and help guide her through understanding. She highlights all my faults with a giant magnifying glass and teaches me how to correct myself when I’m wrong. She shows me her fear and her curiosity and her happiness and her undying, unconditional love for everything with a heartbeat. She shows what she is missing and I in return, help to fill that gap for her. I get to hold her hand when we walk across the street and rip down black diamonds with her. We have brought her tutors to help her with school work, she asks me to teach her history, we read together, do art together and I am able to instill a bit more knowledge in her. I get to protect her and guide her through life. I get to teach her about periods and bras and how to wash your face properly. I will teach her about dumb boys and mean girls and how all we can control is our reactions. I get to tell her to focus on the present and not worry about the past or future. That what matters most is how she feels about herself, not what others might think. I get to teach her to ride horses and introduce her to the best books. I get to teach her life and how to be a fearless woman.

She’s teaching me to Mama Bear, and I’m teaching her to be her true, authentic self.

It's a give and take with Hailey and I. It took a while to figure out my place, where I stand, what I can or can not do. Brett and I talk at length about how we can be better parents, or set firmer boundaries. He and I are aligned with it all. And Hailey, well she has accepted me as her step-mother, as Brett's wife with absolute open arms. Is it easy? Fuck no! I'm exhausted, overwhelmed, always afraid I am going to do the wrong thing. I stress out, I need breaks from her, she drives me crazy when she hangs on the cupboards and digs in the fridge for strawberries and Nutella. Or when she literally never puts ANYTHING away! (look…I know I need to pick my battles but damn, it’s so hard being a type A, Monica Geller type person who lives with two messy human beings…) But at the end of the day when she comes up and cuddle me and tells me she loves me more than I know or makes me a card for when I get home from work, well, it's all so damn worth it.

Parenting is fucking hard. End of story. But this kiddo, she is so special, so amazing…she makes it worth all the hard work and heartbreak.

I never thought I would ever be in this position. I never thought I would parent. But damn, if I'm so proud to be her Mama Bear.

And turns out, I may be kinda good at it, too.