A reason, a season, a lifetime.

Many years ago, my friend Vicki told me that people come and go. They are here in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. She said that we may not have all the answers as to why people come in and out of our lives but to trust that there is a reason. We may not ever know why people flit into our lives, but there is a reason and we must acknowledge it.

This sentiment truly resonated with me.  For years I repeated it to myself, to others. I really believed it. I lived by this notion, almost to a fault to be honest. Because for me, it was an answer.

In the past, the  problem was that I couldn't help but feel that it me that people were walking away from. It was me that caused them to leave - that I needed to do better. You see, I have a bit of an abandonment/not be chosen issue (which, I constantly work on by the way) so when people walk out of my life, I feel a tremendous weight thrown directly l at me. I knew, I was certain, it was me that they were walking away from. I would meet amazing people and hope they would be my bestest friend that’s ever lived and then poof! they’re gone.

Of course that’s not the case. And I know that. Does it effect me at times? Ohhhh yes. Because that mentality has been with me since I was a toddler. I work hard to rewrite that script in my head. However, I must go back to that phrase - a season, a reason, a lifetime. As much as I believed I was the reason for their timely departure, I had to try to believe that Vicki’s statement was true. There was a reason, and it wasn’t because of me. 

We have all had those relationships were you stop and think "ummm…why the hell were they in my life and what kind of lesson is that terrible person teaching me?!" We may not ever know the truth as to why they darkened our doorways, we may never understand why they caused damage and why they continue to haunt us. But you know what? There is a reason. Even if we know the reason or not. For a while, I didn't understand why my toxic ex was in my life for 3.5 years, holding me hostage. But as the time passes and my relationship with Brett continues to grow, it's becoming more and more evident as to why we was in my life for so long. I learned so many lessons. I went through immense amount of growth. I finally gained some appreciation of what I went through. I can now talk about my experience with confidence. I learned what NEVER to do in any relationship. I learned the difference between hope and love. And ultimately, after treading that path, I found love. So. Many. Reasons. Why.

I met a woman on a plane while flying down to my dads memorial back in January of 2014. I had the window seat, she was in the middle. I can’t recall how we started talking, but I knew in my gut that I was able to divulge my story to her. So I told her about how I met my dad after all those years. I told her what an incredible man he was. I told her of his cancer, his fight and his death. I told her about the family that pushed me away and wanted nothing to do with me. I told her about my regrets not being with him when he died. And then she told me about her husband. About how he was fighting a rare case of leukemia for the second time. How he was now living at OHSU full time, running through tests and holding onto every single ounce of optimism he could find. She told me she was scared but grateful that she and her girls still had him in their lives. And we cried together. We told each other funny and ridiculous stories about the two brave men. We talked about how crazy they were, how much love they had and how stubborn they both were. We parted at the airport after sharing our contact information. About a month later, she texted me, saying her husband lost the fight and that he and my dad were having beers together now. And I cried. I never heard from her again. But somehow I knew we walked into each other’s lives at the right time, even if it were brief. She came into my life for a moment, to show me love and comfort - and I did the same for her. A perfect stranger…whom I will love till the day I die.

I have had friends whom I thought they would never be out of my life. Upon my divorce years ago, friends whom I believed were in it with me for the long haul instantly up and vanished after the papers were filled. People have come and go from job changes, after finding new relationships, simply losing touch over the years or moving and even personality changes differences. Did I lose great friends? Possibly. Did it hurt to lose the people I cared for? Of course! But I continued on without them, I grew from the lessons they gave to me and I gained new friendships along the way. They brought joy to my life, they were there for some hard times, amazing times and of course, drunk times. They helped me reflect on my behaviors, altered  my decisions and impacted my choices. But like so many relationships in our lives, they come and go, for a season of our life.

And then there are those forever lifetime people that come into our lives and shape us in ways we never thought possible. And they stay. Forever and ever and ever and ever. Our friends Reed and Shannon who just recently entered our life when I was bleeding profusely from my  nose after a dog attack at the mountain, whom we ski with every single weekend. Like Grant, my oldest friend of 35 years - boy, have we gone through life together! My best friend Vanessa, bonded for life since the Snivellus days of high school. Chelsea, my sister, my family, my lesbian life partner. Karen, my Forever Ski Bunny Lobster Lover Russian Spy. And Brett…my best friend, my partner, the love of my life. Brett came into my life and I knew the moment I met him he was my lifetime. He is home. He is my adventure. We are both convinced we loved in other lifetimes. He is forever.

People flow through your life for a reason, for a season, for a lifetime. We might not know the why but our job is to simply accept it. The reasons why will come to us over time, or they won't, but knowing that the humans in our life shape us is all that matters. They shape us in so many ways.

So thank you to all who have haunted my life, loved me for a couple days in Las Vegas, broke me down to the ground, make me feel seen and heard, spark fire in me and who have chosen me. Thank you for the lessons, my friends. Just, thank you…