The monster that is Impostor Syndrome.

Ever feel like you're a complete fraud and it's only a matter of time till someone finds out the truth and exposes you for the true loser you really are? Or you scroll through Instagram and your only thoughts are “I’m not doing enough, I suck” and then you rabbit hole down the stalking spiral of people you admire, ex’s, old friends, etc…Yep, me too.

There is a term for that, you know. And evidently, there are numerous articles written about this, too. It's called Impostor Syndrome. And dude, Impostor Syndrome is real. Impostor as in, someone who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others. So essentially, I am pretending to be someone else. What the hell?!

"Impostor Syndrome thrives because our brains are telling us that we aren't enough" - David Roche.

There is this weird (and wrong) illusion of what our life is supposed to be like. There is this strange notion about how we are “supposed” to act, what adventures we should be taking and we must live our lives according to every picture perfect story we come across. We beat ourselves up for not being good enough, skinny enough, not wearing the trendy clothes, not climbing hard enough or not skiing big enough mountains. And sadly, social media only feeds that illusion, into those lies in the most aggressive way.  But really, who wrote the official rule book of "how to be?"

I can't tell you how many times I scrolled through Instagram only to think to myself…"gawd, I really need to do more. Why am I not this cool?! These people really know how to live. Why are they so cool?! Gawd, I suck…I need to be better." Then the negative self talk really starts to spiral…"I'm not a great runner, I'm slow, I suck, I wish I could drop steep and deep, I am starting over with my climbing  - what a loser, this sucks, I'm terrible at climbing, I'm just learning to ski, I haven't climbed I'm not a badass, I am not an athlete, seriously I SUCK, I am really terrible at that"…the dark list goes on.

Just look at that negative dialog! What the shit is that? Would you talk to your best friend like that? Hell no!  It's super rude, pretty annoying and no one wants to hear it.

First comes FOMO, then the negative self talk hits, then the comparison hits hard, followed by the stress and anxiety of not being good enough, which is often combined with overworking, over training and a terrible image of perfectionism to over compensate.  Might as well work harder to be the person you want to be, right? Even if it means injuring yourself. If you get cool points and a great photo for the Gram, let's do it! Who cares if you're destroying yourself along the way. And that's exactly it - you're destroying your body, your mind, your emotional intelligence, just to keep up with the Jones'.

Truth is, who gives a shit what the Jones' are actually doing! Who gives a shit what your friends, you ex’s, your enemies are doing. It is difficult to truly grasp the notion that no one cares, that their life is their own, that you don't have to keep up with anyone. I get it, it’s hard to stop comparing. There is no rule book on how to be a bad ass, there is no bar set in order to reach cool status, so why does your bar have to be the same as a professional athletes or the town bad ass. Professional athletes are more than weekend warriors and outdoor enthusiasts, some people are natural born killers when it comes to sports or life. Instagram only highlights the good, not the reality and really, we don’t know their truth. And yet, we see these people, put them on a throne, worship the ground they ski upon and then…beat the crap out of ourselves because we aren’t good enough.

What does it solve when we beat ourselves up and compare ourselves to others…nothing. It just makes us more anxious and depletes our self esteem into dust. It causes us to stop trying because we will never amount to the level we want. It kills our self esteem, we stop having fun, we cry about everything we want and “can’t” have and spiral into the black hole that is our faults. That's not a way to live.

It's taken me a long time to come to this notion of not comparing myself and feeling like a fraud. And I would be lying if I said I am completely cured and I think the world of me! Pssh…bull shit. No, it's a work in progress. It's years and years and years of built up narrative that needs to be rewritten. It's being conscious of that negative talk and stopping myself to say "that's not true" or "that's not your story." It's a lot of work! The definition of "good" at things had a completely different definition to me, than it is to others. I'm getting better about it remembering that, too. I'm getting better about being proud of my own accomplishments and not asking for validation that I am doing well. I am getting better at when something really, really sucks and I want to give up…I don’t I push through for myself and my own goals.

Turns out, you are freaking amazing just the way you are, and you are loved from the surface of your skin down through every nook and cranny in your soul - whether or not you can drop double black diamonds in your sleep or send a 13.c with ease. It just doesn’t matter! You know what does matter? Showing up. Doing the shit you want to do. Honoring yourself by trying it. If you just do the thing, then you'll be doing it. It's that simple. Sometimes the biggest hurdle isn't it? It's hard to put yourself out there and try something new…because, what if we fail? Well, to quote that basic bitch quote "well, what if you fly." Full cheese, but it's damn true. Try to not let the thoughts of failure interfere with your actions. If you're afraid you'll fuck up, so what! We all fuck up. That's what learning looks like! Practice makes perfect and with growth, comes failure and lessons learned. Then one day, it gets easier. And you’re stoked about how far you’ve come! (And then a new and harder task rears it’s face and you’re back to square one).

So set goals within yourself and DO NOT compare yourself to others…their accomplishments are not your own goal posts but rather, an inspiration. Be proud of yourself because you did a thing. Did you fall 24 times the first time you learned to ski? Sure! But you were skiing. You were doing it!

It's a work in progress, learning to not feel like a failure. It takes work to not compare myself either…(thanks social media for making that monster even bigger!) But at the end of the day, at the end of the adventure…you did the thing and you didn’t give up. And that my friends, is all that matters.