Therapy matters.

For so many years of my life, I’ve felt lost. I didn’t think I knew who I was. I so desperately wanted to grow into the woman I was meant to be. I read books, blogs, talked to besties, watched too many movies...And sure, while all those resources did help at times, it was never true growth and realization. Growth doesn’t happen overnight, and it sure as hell doesn’t come from reading inspirational Instagram posts. But you know what does help in that process? Therapy.

I’ve been in therapy for the better part of the last 10 years and more consistently over that last five years. I’ve been lucky to have had  great therapists over the years - those who have helped me through my divorce, losing my dad, family issues and terrible ex-boyfriends. But the one who has challenged me most is my current therapist. Maybe it’s just my ripe ol’ age of 40 that has allowed more clarity...or maybe she really is a ball buster and pushes me. Regardless, I personally have seen a substantial amount of change in myself over the last few years, because of her. And the majority of the change has been over the last year.

Throughout the last 4+ months, I have been tits deep in trauma therapy. Yep, sounds like so much fun, right?! Trauma therapy? Who wouldn’t want to dive into that and swim around for a bit…Turns out, it’s fuckin’ HARD to go through all this. Hard, but absolutely necessary.

Months ago, Brett and I had a discussion about a hiccup we had (I say discussion as we do not fight. We get mad at one another at times, we have heated conversations every once in a while, but we never yell, we never fight. When we approach a roadblock we talk about it so that we can understand where we are coming from). 

However, this particular moment, I was triggered badly and I couldn’t get out of the spiral I sent myself on, it felt impossible to get out of that rabbit hole. So I called my therapist immediately, talked it through with her and upped my sessions from every other week, to once a week. It was vital that I uncover and process my past in order to not jeopardize my future, my relationship with my husband and honestly, truly understand AND accept the person that I am.

As we began, my primary focus and goal was to finally process everything from my “ex.” So we started with EMDR. Brett had gone through EMDR with his avalanche and had massive success. While I was terrified to address the abuse from my past, I knew this was the only way...rip that fucking bandaid off. I wanted this shit done, I wanted that piece of shit to die in my memories, so that I can grow and walk away from that, and never feel triggered about him.

But as we started to process things, more came out...naturally. It wasn’t just Voldemort who left giant wounds, it was a combo of people from my past. It was primarily my step father. Which, of COURSE it was Mel. Of course I knew what kind of monster he was. But what I struggled with was, I pushed the majority of those memories with him far, far away. Hell, I’m pretty sure I only remember like, 19% of high school...the rest is all dark.

As I continue to go through EMDR, I’ve started to remember things…memories slowly came back into focus, like a movie I had watched before but completely forgot the details until I pushed play again. And as we process, everything begins to connect. While I still have loads of shit to unpack and sort through, I also have some clarity behind it all.  I am able to now understand why I married my ex-husband or why I feel guilty when I don’t accomplish a task at work, why I get incredibly anxious about people watching me try new things or why I stayed with Voldemort for so long and endured his disgusting abuse. I’m able to parent better and have deep, constructive conversations with Brett that allow us to grow. Every week, we work to uncover a little bit more, process a bit further and gather a bit more clarity.

It’s been difficult to sit down and write out or even verbally express this journey I’ve been on. I still really don’t know how to articulate all that has happened to me, nor do I need  to/want to tell the world. More difficult than that is finally remembering all that happened to me and feeling those reactions, those emotions and then processing them. You see, when you grow up with abuse, abandonment and trauma surrounding you around every corner, then you continue to seek it (because it’s comfortable and familiar) as a teenager, an adult...the trauma piles on and the memories are hidden in the dark corners of your mind and body, as your body holds on and never forgets. (And that’s fun...but really, it’s so true. Since I’ve been going through trauma therapy I am finally able to lose weight). 

I’ve made a ton of progress, but I’m not done yet. So much is still hidden in my mind’s cobwebs. And as those memories emerge to the surface, we process them immediately. The work is not over yet. 

I’ve thought about this for a long time, how to write this down or how I should, IF I should, share my stories and journey. While I may not go into every grave detail about every thing that’s happened to me, I will share parts of it on this blog. 

I guess this is my way of kicking it all off. Therapy talks and brain dumps. What a topic to write about! Ha! 

Therapy has opened my eyes to so much; allowing me to unpack and sort out the trauma and the bad, tap into my inner self and listen to my intuition, see people for who they truly are and be the best wife and better mother. 

I’m not trying to find who I am anymore...I’m not lost. Therapy has taught me that. The fact is, I haven’t known who I was but now? Now I am finally starting to see who I really am.